Why Having a LIFE-LONG ALLY Isn't Always Great





My husband is the best ally I have. He’s hands down in my side of the boxing ring. He’s telling me, “good job, you’ve got this, we’re in it together.” When my boss told me we were just “dreaming together” when we discussed a possible promotion, my husband told me I had every right to confront him about how that was uncool. When someone flipped me the bird after cutting ME off, he told me that was messed up and I had every right to be upset. When a stranger started asking me really personal questions and getting a little too close for comfort, he also was weirded out and was glad I got out of there. 

But here’s the crazy thing, having a life-long ally is not always so awesome. When you’re on your own, you can convince yourself that things are pretty good--with your friends, your job, your family.... I mean, sure, you have a few question marks over a couple of incidences and you have your suspicions you are not being treated well, but there is a world of explanations you can tell yourself to ignore the situation. But your husband or wife...they are there all the time. They can see what’s going on. And they want to stick up for you and want you to be treated fairly... So they’ll tell you, “That person’s treating you like dirt.” 

 Suddenly you realize your brother calling you up and telling you he’ll play video games with you and then cancels to play with someone more challenging isn’t that explainable. And oh, that time that your sister suggested you should start trying to have a baby because if she didn’t tell you this she would “feel bad?” Not a mental lapse of judgement. No, your spouse can see patterns of continual maltreatment. 

My reaction is, what am I supposed to do about it? Now that I am justified and apparently not crazy for noticing these things, what do I do with this information?  

 First of all, I can be grateful. My husband cares about me enough to want people to treat me well, himself included. 

 Second, we had a long chat about the difference between bitterness and awareness. Forgiveness and being trampled on. Forgiving someone is when you won’t lord it over their head, that you’re not logging it away till revenge is possible (which has been my standby for MANY years). Forgiveness can still include approaching someone about their behavior and not expecting an “I’m sorry” to come out of their mouths. (Because, as I found out with my boss, those words did not exist.) 

Forgiveness means finding peace in what happened. I told my husband, after years of logging away all that has been done to me, I think true, legit forgiveness is going to take years to master. And he said, “For me, it took only a few minutes. I just asked myself, ‘Is that how I would want God to treat the wrongs I have done? ‘Just wait till later?’’” I started laughing because my answer is HECK NO. That would be terrifying.

So it’s great that I have a life-long ally. It’s great that I don’t think I’m half-crazy anymore for seeing some of the things I do. But I’m still working on forgiving those things that have been confirmed.

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